ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
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I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Not messing around
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Baking is just science you can eat.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.