(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
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ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are