I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
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I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Stick it to the man
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back