Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
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Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Who says great literature is dead?
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
What a website
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck