Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
You Might Also Like
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave