[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
You Might Also Like
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”