When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
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Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
💻🤡
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.