I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
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When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”