God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
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Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
not to brag, but mine was free
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
This January has 47 Mondays
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?