This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
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[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
October already? What’s next? November????
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*