Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
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“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Not😆🤣
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I bet birds love this building.