*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
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When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
never forget
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Baller is short for ballerina
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.