Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again