I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
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Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
this is what they would have looked like, though
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.