[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
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Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it