3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
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Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.