Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Worst perfume name ever.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.