Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
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“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
can’t catch a break
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal