People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
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Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE