No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift