me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
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Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.