[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
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BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
what?
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power