Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
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Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Our lord and savoury.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.