Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
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ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Are we there yet?…