[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I love wikipedia
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.