If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
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ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Sending in my taxes
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
What’s a Messi?
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying