6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
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Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
The three genders.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!