*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
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At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I need to get some bricks…
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
So many village idiots. So few dragons.