WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
You Might Also Like
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”