Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
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Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
how long have you had this for?
Spell check is for lasers.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.