Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
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Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain