[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
2022 will be better than 2021
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.