Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Not my job 😂
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?