Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
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What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs