ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
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There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
May have had one breakfast too many
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Good morning!
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.