Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
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Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
mariah carrie
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.