3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
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Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
This raises questions
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.