I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
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Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.