Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
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Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
You better watch out
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”