Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
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when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
three things we don’t talk about
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”