It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
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[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.