processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
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him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.