Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed