Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
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[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
😜
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”