Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
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Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.