This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
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[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
🙁
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?