Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
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Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.