*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
You Might Also Like
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Care for your back
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
*limbos away from your hug*
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.