Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
You Might Also Like
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
How dude HOW?!
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.