No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
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The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Woke up against my better judgement again
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I love twitter
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed